Boredom

I admire people who can simply stare in space and spend hours doing it. I could not do it. I have to at least think about something ( if not do something). Even long daydreams bore me, even if how sweet, funny, exciting the thoughts are. If I spend more than 15 minutes, I become bored of own thoughts.
That is why I hate attending seminars, trainings, workshops where the speaker/trainer talks and/or reads from a powerpoint presentation. I think I have adult ADHD. But I don’t want to get tested and waste money on a shrink. First and foremost because I don’t have the money to throw away and secondly, that is why I write, to put all my thoughts in words that I and others can read. That is why even as a child I keep a personal diary, which because of my clumsiness, my (foster) mother reads every now and then. And she would boast that she knows everything because she is old and wise (would not admit she reads my diary even if caught in the act). If she is still alive and would read this, I am sure she would be very furious that I put “(foster)“ before the word “mother”. She would scream and say, ”So now I am not a mother!”


In my previous work, I am being teased as being a loud mouth, which I am not, I just love talking :P Well, that is to people I feel comfortable with. My current boss and officemates tell me I am so quiet and sometimes they barely notice I am at my desk. That is because as talkative person I am, I am not exactly a friendly person. I am not like some people who smiles and chats to everyone they meet at a training, event or sometimes even at the line in the supermarket. I have nothing against people like that, in fact, I admire them for their confidence. I think that is what I lack. I remembered what a former supervisor of mine told me, “ you write such very good emails but when I talk to you, I do not hear that.” Another former colleague who I always chat with online, also told me, “ You seem very funny but when we met in person, you barely talked.” I think I am like that because I am always confronted with thoughts like, “ what if I say the wrong words”, “what if they don’t like me”. Hmmm or is it just fear of rejection? Or insecurity? But it’s the same, it’s because I am not confident.

Another reason why I am not your next door friendly girl is I don’t easily trust people. I choose the people I make friends with but oftentimes not good choices. A friend once told me, “you have a tendency to care for the wrong people”. Yes, I observed that. It’s always me with the 100% while the other one barely 50% and yes this is not with friendships only in ALL sorts of “- ships”. But wait before I divulge too much or burst into tears…..

See, I told you.. I have ADHD, I always stray from my original topic and now I am getting bored again.

Being a foreigner

I have been in a foreign country for more than 6 months now. At first, I was excited as I have always thought that this country is far better than my home country. Then I realized that the cliche is true. There's no place like home.
I have been warned before by a manager from my previous company that it's a little difficult to live here. "it's easy to get lost there" I just smiled but he continued, their street signs or store signs are in their local language script and they could barely understand and speak English. Honestly, I did not believe him. I said to myself, it couldn't be that bad, I have been to Kenya and they speak good English. And kenya is a poor african country, this one is one of the most developed countries in the region.And besides he gave a disclaimer that maybe it had improved recently, it has been a few years ago when he was here.
And when I arrived here, I almost want to give him a call and tell him that I should have listened to him.

It was like a nightmare communicating in English here, it wouldn't help if you present a nicely computer printed document unless its in their local script. You might say, probably not in the hotels, international hospitals, high end shopping centers or multi national companies. Well maybe not that bad. But still bad. You have to talk in broken English to have your message get through easily. Or you would waste a lot of time if you talk in your perfect English grammar or accent. I was once smirked at a copy center when I keep saying.. "scan" pointing at my document that needs to be scanned. And the lady told me in her irritated voice "is-skan".
It also doesn't help that I look a little like the locals. They tend to be more friendly to caucasians. I could no longer keep count of the times when I tell a saleslady, fast food attendant or bank teller "sorry, I don't understand " and they would either frown or roll their eyes as if I am pretending to be a foreigner.

Many times we also get stared in public when my kids ( 3 and 5 yrs old) speak in english. Some smile while others roll their eyes as if we are some kind of trying hard social climber.

Oftentimes we want to complain with the wrong order given, being cut in line, being pushed in the train or for bad service. But we end up just shrugging it off since it wouldn't be worth the time (1) they wouldn't understand (2) they would just smile at you even if you are already fuming red with anger.

It all comes down to tolerance and patience. And always bearing in mind that this is not your country. And like a guest in somebody's house, instead of complaining you just be thankful that they accepted you in their home.