The calling

I have read and heard from others that if you do something you want or enjoy what you are doing, you never have to work for single day of your life. Hmmm.. sounds reasonable. So what I have to find out now is what I want to do.
As a kid, I have always loved reading and writing. I can’t remember exactly remember at what age I have started on writing a personal diary but it sure was before my teens.

I can vaguely remember what I used as a diary, is it an old school notebook, yellow ruled paper or unused pads of receipts. What I do remember is I have always loved writing my thoughts down. It’s as if I would forgot them as they pass through my mind. It hasn’t always been a day-to-day journal. I usually right on it when I was scolded and feel that I was done injustice. You know how kids are, every little thing that happens against their wishes is an injustice for them. I also write my dreams and aspirations. I remembered one time, I was preparing a layout for my own newspaper. Of course I was the writer of every article, news or opinion column.

When I was in high school, I remembered trying to write a romance “novel” about my infatuation for a boy band that was extremely popular during my teens. I couldn’t imagine what my mother thought about what’s happening to me when she read it. She always reads what I write even if I try to hide them. I am have never been proud of my writing and oftentimes I am not comfortable when others read it. I feel like the reader is looking into my soul through my written words. Because every time I write anything even if it is a business email reply to a user, I always feel that I put a part of my personality in it. A part of my soul.

I always have an opinion of other’s writing style, even of how good the author is, I always have a different twist or ending of the story of my own. Which leads me to wonder.. will I ever be a writer? Or an author of something so beautiful that other’s would say “I like how she writes”.


But I am a great fan of authors who have great imagination and who takes time to do research on the settings of their story, either that or they have lived in that setting for quite some time to remember it quite vividly. That’s why I have great respect for J.K. Rowling on how amazingly good the Harry Potter series is. Truth of the matter is I have never literally read her books, except for ironically, the first and the last one. The others I “heard” the audiobooks or just watched the film version istead but I don’t think that would disqualify me as a fan. Because although I have only read 2 of her books, I can get totally “lost” in her imagination. She makes you really feel that you are there and everything she is saying is real. That I do not need a feel good love or romantic subplot to get my readers hooked.

That is why I am not confident of how I write even if its fictional, I feel that I still could not make the reader “lost” in my story, it’s if the story is their own, as if they are my characters. And when that happens, is when I could say I found my very own "the calling".

Boredom

I admire people who can simply stare in space and spend hours doing it. I could not do it. I have to at least think about something ( if not do something). Even long daydreams bore me, even if how sweet, funny, exciting the thoughts are. If I spend more than 15 minutes, I become bored of own thoughts.
That is why I hate attending seminars, trainings, workshops where the speaker/trainer talks and/or reads from a powerpoint presentation. I think I have adult ADHD. But I don’t want to get tested and waste money on a shrink. First and foremost because I don’t have the money to throw away and secondly, that is why I write, to put all my thoughts in words that I and others can read. That is why even as a child I keep a personal diary, which because of my clumsiness, my (foster) mother reads every now and then. And she would boast that she knows everything because she is old and wise (would not admit she reads my diary even if caught in the act). If she is still alive and would read this, I am sure she would be very furious that I put “(foster)“ before the word “mother”. She would scream and say, ”So now I am not a mother!”


In my previous work, I am being teased as being a loud mouth, which I am not, I just love talking :P Well, that is to people I feel comfortable with. My current boss and officemates tell me I am so quiet and sometimes they barely notice I am at my desk. That is because as talkative person I am, I am not exactly a friendly person. I am not like some people who smiles and chats to everyone they meet at a training, event or sometimes even at the line in the supermarket. I have nothing against people like that, in fact, I admire them for their confidence. I think that is what I lack. I remembered what a former supervisor of mine told me, “ you write such very good emails but when I talk to you, I do not hear that.” Another former colleague who I always chat with online, also told me, “ You seem very funny but when we met in person, you barely talked.” I think I am like that because I am always confronted with thoughts like, “ what if I say the wrong words”, “what if they don’t like me”. Hmmm or is it just fear of rejection? Or insecurity? But it’s the same, it’s because I am not confident.

Another reason why I am not your next door friendly girl is I don’t easily trust people. I choose the people I make friends with but oftentimes not good choices. A friend once told me, “you have a tendency to care for the wrong people”. Yes, I observed that. It’s always me with the 100% while the other one barely 50% and yes this is not with friendships only in ALL sorts of “- ships”. But wait before I divulge too much or burst into tears…..

See, I told you.. I have ADHD, I always stray from my original topic and now I am getting bored again.

Being a foreigner

I have been in a foreign country for more than 6 months now. At first, I was excited as I have always thought that this country is far better than my home country. Then I realized that the cliche is true. There's no place like home.
I have been warned before by a manager from my previous company that it's a little difficult to live here. "it's easy to get lost there" I just smiled but he continued, their street signs or store signs are in their local language script and they could barely understand and speak English. Honestly, I did not believe him. I said to myself, it couldn't be that bad, I have been to Kenya and they speak good English. And kenya is a poor african country, this one is one of the most developed countries in the region.And besides he gave a disclaimer that maybe it had improved recently, it has been a few years ago when he was here.
And when I arrived here, I almost want to give him a call and tell him that I should have listened to him.

It was like a nightmare communicating in English here, it wouldn't help if you present a nicely computer printed document unless its in their local script. You might say, probably not in the hotels, international hospitals, high end shopping centers or multi national companies. Well maybe not that bad. But still bad. You have to talk in broken English to have your message get through easily. Or you would waste a lot of time if you talk in your perfect English grammar or accent. I was once smirked at a copy center when I keep saying.. "scan" pointing at my document that needs to be scanned. And the lady told me in her irritated voice "is-skan".
It also doesn't help that I look a little like the locals. They tend to be more friendly to caucasians. I could no longer keep count of the times when I tell a saleslady, fast food attendant or bank teller "sorry, I don't understand " and they would either frown or roll their eyes as if I am pretending to be a foreigner.

Many times we also get stared in public when my kids ( 3 and 5 yrs old) speak in english. Some smile while others roll their eyes as if we are some kind of trying hard social climber.

Oftentimes we want to complain with the wrong order given, being cut in line, being pushed in the train or for bad service. But we end up just shrugging it off since it wouldn't be worth the time (1) they wouldn't understand (2) they would just smile at you even if you are already fuming red with anger.

It all comes down to tolerance and patience. And always bearing in mind that this is not your country. And like a guest in somebody's house, instead of complaining you just be thankful that they accepted you in their home.

To not being jolly

Most people are used to me laughing and always still funny stories. When I am suddenly silent, there are people who just can' t seem to accept it.
There are times when I don' t feel like sharing stories of my commute from home to the office. There are times that I don' t feel like talking while eating or waiting in line. There are timed that even when I am not doing anything I also would not speak to anyone. And I want people to respect that and not question it.

Insomniac?!

Writing this post at almost 1 in the morning might make many people think that I'm an insomniac. Well, I' m not. Its just that my son is still wide awake.hehe.
For many weeks now, I consider myself depressed. Several not so nice things happened to me that I had or still is having trouble, waking up each day with a smile. Yes, I admit that I am not what we Filipinos love to call " smiling face".That is what Filipinos call when a person has a very friendly face, one who almost never fails to have a smile on their face.

Last blog?!

I haven't posted a blog for a long time, part of the reason why is that I tried to google my own blog and it does not show. Too sad..

But for the most part of it, the reason is that I have recent personal issues/problems that I don't feel like sharing nor talking abount even to myself.

I once received a forwarded text message from a friend that says " the problem with being strong is that nobody asks if you're okay". We'll actually, I woud like to think that is how other's see me that's why no one bothered to ask if everything's okay, if I'm holding up fine.

Customer Service

Yesterday, I went to the Customer Service Center of my mobile phone service provider. When I arrived at the said center, I was glad there were no lines and there are just few people walking around. I saw the cashier area and there was no customer at the counter.

I approached the security personnel if I could just go straight ahead in the counter. ANd he tols me, "No, you have to get a number first from there (pointing to an improvised counter near the entrance)". So I approached the woman pointed by the security personnel but could not ask for a number since she was entertaining a customer's inquiry. The woman however, looked pissed. I don't know exactly why, probably because the customer was annoying, had too many questions or could not understand what she was explaining.

I waited for a couple of seconds, the 1st customer left so I approached the customer service personnel. I told her that I would be paying my mobile phone bill, she asked me if I had my billing statement with me, so I said no and she asked for my mobile phone number so that she could check it thru their online records. As I was saying my phone number she interrupted saying "Mabagal lang ma'am (slow it down, ma'am) " although she said it in a very irritated tone, I politely obliged. After that she gave me a piece of paper stating my account number and the amount I have to pay. before leaving her counter, I asked her, "Should I get another number if I need to ask about the status of my postpaid plan? ". She told me, "Sa akin, pwede ka na magtanong (You could tell me your query)", again in an irritated voice. I just smiled and told her that I will ask her after I pay my bill.

When I returned to her post, I saw her texting in her mobile phone, so I smiled and said," Pwede na magtanong (Can I ask you now about my query "). She looked at me in a way as if to say "Can't you see? I'm texting?", she however, nodded so I took it as my cue to begin my query. As I was starting to start my query, I can tell from her tone and her facial expression that she totally got pissed this time. She told me, "Sige, ituloy mo lang ha? habang nagtetext ako (Just go on okay? while I continue texting". To some that may seem okay, but for me that's complete rudeness and lack of customer service etiquette.

She was lucky, I am not the type of person who would scold her right then and there or who would go ask for the manager and report her attitude. It may not be right but what I usually do is to tell it to my friends and to other people who I know, so that they could either avoid the same incident or learn from it.