Boredom

I admire people who can simply stare in space and spend hours doing it. I could not do it. I have to at least think about something ( if not do something). Even long daydreams bore me, even if how sweet, funny, exciting the thoughts are. If I spend more than 15 minutes, I become bored of own thoughts.
That is why I hate attending seminars, trainings, workshops where the speaker/trainer talks and/or reads from a powerpoint presentation. I think I have adult ADHD. But I don’t want to get tested and waste money on a shrink. First and foremost because I don’t have the money to throw away and secondly, that is why I write, to put all my thoughts in words that I and others can read. That is why even as a child I keep a personal diary, which because of my clumsiness, my (foster) mother reads every now and then. And she would boast that she knows everything because she is old and wise (would not admit she reads my diary even if caught in the act). If she is still alive and would read this, I am sure she would be very furious that I put “(foster)“ before the word “mother”. She would scream and say, ”So now I am not a mother!”


In my previous work, I am being teased as being a loud mouth, which I am not, I just love talking :P Well, that is to people I feel comfortable with. My current boss and officemates tell me I am so quiet and sometimes they barely notice I am at my desk. That is because as talkative person I am, I am not exactly a friendly person. I am not like some people who smiles and chats to everyone they meet at a training, event or sometimes even at the line in the supermarket. I have nothing against people like that, in fact, I admire them for their confidence. I think that is what I lack. I remembered what a former supervisor of mine told me, “ you write such very good emails but when I talk to you, I do not hear that.” Another former colleague who I always chat with online, also told me, “ You seem very funny but when we met in person, you barely talked.” I think I am like that because I am always confronted with thoughts like, “ what if I say the wrong words”, “what if they don’t like me”. Hmmm or is it just fear of rejection? Or insecurity? But it’s the same, it’s because I am not confident.

Another reason why I am not your next door friendly girl is I don’t easily trust people. I choose the people I make friends with but oftentimes not good choices. A friend once told me, “you have a tendency to care for the wrong people”. Yes, I observed that. It’s always me with the 100% while the other one barely 50% and yes this is not with friendships only in ALL sorts of “- ships”. But wait before I divulge too much or burst into tears…..

See, I told you.. I have ADHD, I always stray from my original topic and now I am getting bored again.